Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please.
Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?

They have no hands to knock on the door.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Why did the opera singer go sailing? They wanted to hit the high Cs.

Why are fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales.

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

In the news a courtroom artist was arrested today, I'm not surprised, he always seemed sketchy.

Why was the broom late for the meeting? He overswept.

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.

Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing? Just in case you get a hole in one.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
BREATH!!

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
An ion!

Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.

Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

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A cursed place

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